Dear Sir / Madam,
I am writing to lodge a formal letter of complaint, the treatment I have received has been nothing short of diabolical and this is the last straw.
Firstly, during my stay at your 'resort' the food has been bland, unimaginative and infuriatingly repetitive. My friends have informed me that they are enjoying far more varied menus where they are staying- which comes as an embarrassment considering I witness the staff stuffing their faces with all manner of cuisine, yet not one bite manages to make its way to me at meal times.
Secondly, the 'entertainment' at your establishment leaves much to be desired. I fully appreciate that you are understaffed, though the chef is quite obviously not capable of performing an additional role as a cabaret act and some further innovation is required if you're to stand any hope of actually keeping me entertained. The film and television selection is awful, I'm bored beyond belief of the same musicals and would thoroughly appreciate something more on my intellectual level.
Finally, and this does irritate me as it makes no sense at all, your chauffeur service is nothing short of a farce. On Thursday, I was taken to a doctors appointment in an open topped vehicle. It's DECEMBER and freezing. Are you completely insane?
Needless to say, I expect an instant improvement or I will be forced to seek alternative accommodation.
Charles (Room 2)
I'm very sorry your stay with us so far hasn't quite met your expectations. Considering you've been alive for 16 weeks, I'm baffled as to what you can compare the family home to- but hope the following provides some insight:
On the subject of food, your fragile digestive system can't handle anything more exotic than Aptamil Comfort milk. You're most welcome to sample some of our king prawn madras but, as we're not sadists at the 'resort', watching your little frame writhe around in spicy agony isn't going to happen. Also, Elijah, the friend you referenced, has 9 months on you and can physically endure the demands of mashed meat and vegetables. You can't. Be patient.
Not entertained? I personally feel Mum's renditions of 'Alice The Camel' and 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm' are excellent considering she did not attend stage school or receive formal theatrical training. Plus, your Mum and I have provided you with an eye watering array of children's television channels, including the daily opportunity to enjoy Mr Tumble and his brigade of freaks, which we actually find soul numbing having to watch again and again and again. I'm slightly perplexed as to why this is an issue as you seem to find the Jumperoo the most entertaining experience in the universe. As a result, this matter is closed.
Your iCandy Cherry cost us an absolute fortune. It's like the Bentley of buggies. Not only is it easy on the eye, it's practical in ways you'll never imagine. On Thursday, you were wrapped in 3 layers of under clothing, a jacket and covered by two fleece blankets then topped by a wooly hat. You had less skin showing than an Imam's wife. The alternative is walking, which your little legs haven't learnt to do- relish the rolling luxury of your carriage.
To conclude- it looks like you're stuck with us for the next 18 years. Also please don't formalise your name, you're 'Charlie' until you're in trouble or a barrister.
Lots of love,
Ps. How the hell did you write that letter??