Sunday, 19 June 2011

The Apprentice: Sheikh – You’re Fired!

After what I can only describe as the greatest Apprentice episode ever, I’m left with some very delightful memories. In a nutshell, Natasha Scribbins is a dirty whore and Jim "Carbomb" Eastwood, despite surviving the "troubles", couldn’t terrorise his way to victory in the task.

Having the responsibility of being the team leader thrust upon her by Lord Aspartame, Natasha took the driving seat in the task – and instantly showed her true colours. I could almost see the thought bubble of “COCK, COCK, COCK,COCK” appearing out of her salivating head as she conjured the idea of doing a lads mag and asking a gaggle of randoms – “How do you blow your load?”. It’s nothing short of a miracle that she didn’t visit the area I work as a question like that would be joyful ammunition to absolutely ruin her on camera with a succinct but descriptive answer. Imagining Lord Aspartame’s reply “All over Karen Brady’s tits and occasionally on Nick’s chin, used to be Margaret’s tonsils”, I thought she was doomed, but I was to be proved very wrong. Sex does apparently sell for the old bastard.

Jim, clearly a bit fancied by the Sand Fairy, went along with the witty and well thought out idea of using the name “Hip Replacement” for his team’s new title aimed at the over 60’s market. Zoe, the woman who sounds like she has suffered a stroke or at least a significant brain injury, shouldn’t have had her mindless input considered, never mind accepted. They might as well of called the new magazine “Colostomy Bag News” or “The Piss Stench Gazette”, none of the ad agencies jumped at the opportunity to remind the older audience how brittle their skeletons were or how limited their lives had become. “Out with the old, in with the new” read their slogan. I thought the programme on Dignitas was earlier in the week? Not a winner by any means.

So, after getting pretty much devastated by the ad agencies, the little Sand Fairy arrived in the “boardroom”, climbed into his high chair and delivered a damning verdict for Jim and his band of idiots. Reliably, Susan ‘The Piranha’ Ma, waffled the usual bollocks whilst revealing that she’s actually only 21. Makes me think she must have seriously ping-ponged or partaken in some very heavy duty 4 handed massages to get her place on the show. Well, we all know Harry “Twitching Droopy” Redknapp likes a bribe – Lord Aspartame must have continued the t*ttenham tradition with that Oriental fountain of genius. As she wasn’t surrounded by 20 of her shoal, Lord Aspartame didn’t see her as a threat and she survive the chop. Unlike Stan Colleymore, who despite pleading guilty for his various attacks on women, held no favour with Lord Aspartame and the mug was rightly fired. Until next week!

On the subject of firing, this week I bid a warm farewell to my firm’s Finance Manager, a cheerful West African chap called, not titled, Sheikh. When I say bid farewell, I don’t mean actually say “goodbye”, as I never got the chance. He had suddenly gone AWOL, disappeared without any trace and not responded to any of the MD’s calls – leaving us all baffled. Playfully toying with the notion he was dead or had been convicted of multiple rapes, the company had absolutely no idea where he had disappeared to and the top brass were forced to send him a letter informing him that his position had been terminated. Little did we know! Dear old Sheikh, the reliable, invoice chasing comrade we had grown to consider as our own was in fact a massive tea leaf. His careful checked references appeared to be nothing but lies, written by his “uncles”. It came to light that Sheikh had been locked up for two years following a £100,000 theft from his previous employer. A name like Sheikh conjures up images of a white Mercedes, several wives and a lavish lifestyles. This Sheikh got the bus, had one wife (and a mistress, to be fair) and lunched on cold discounted Bangladeshi curries from the local market – we didn’t see that one coming. His tekkers was to issue refunds for products made by his old firm and then pay the money into his own bank account. Not quite a criminal mastermind, you cheeky bastard. He even borrowed money off a colleague before he left for the court house! Anyway, his new prison now has a black Andy Dufresne. A fully ACCA qualified new inmate. In no time at all I’m sure he’ll be doing tax returns for the screws and working for the warden. Or he’ll be getting buggered and beaten senseless on a daily basis. Perhaps the latter. Better start smoking Sheikh – you’ll need the currency!