Saturday, 31 December 2011

Get Out Of My Church, Before I Smash Your Face...

The exact place where the Jesus was born, once a very small Premier Inn, is now The Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Quite possibly one of the holiest sites in the world, including other locations such as Mecca, the River Ganges and my place on the sofa.

Not necessarily the place you expect it to kick off, certainly not between men of the cloth. Check this out:

Firstly, this is ultra funny. Arms house in the house of God. This ain't Celtic vs Rangers, Millwall vs West Ham or Boca Juniors vs River Plate. Nope, this is Greek Orthodox and Armenian clerics who have had a dispute over boundaries, apparently hammered out of their minds on holy wine, kicking off before making their preparations for CHRISTMAS. The only reason this epic 100 priest strong "Battle of the Basilica" came to an end was that they got raided by Old Bill. Bless me Father for I have sinned, I smashed a broom handle over another priest's kneecaps. Brilliant.

Of note, at the start is one Father, probably youth firm with his hood up, whipping out his smartphone to catch the action: "This shit's going on YouTube!" before the plod come in (0:18) and give one hell of a (sorry, heavenly) beat down to another of the church leading combatants who's hiding sheepishly in the corner after dashing a broom in another cleric's face. "I'm just here to watch the mass!" he pleads.

Then, at (0:26), this fella walks across wearing something that looks very much like a criss-cross Stone Island jumper. How much more firm do you want to get? Not wearing any colours, behind the Old Bill lines trying to get everyone involved!

Finally, at (0:43), you can clearly see one of the Armenians' uber-bearded top (alter) boys "not avvin none of it" with the coppers, probably already on a ban after it kicked off down in Nazareth at Easter.

There were no arrests as Bethlehem police chiefs said they were "men of God". The local atheist councillor, however, commented "pure thuggery, they were blatantly all here for a row, we should have used rubber bullets".

Sources suggest the next mass may take place behind closed doors.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Happy Christmas you rascals...

Well look what we have here, I missed the birthday of Coggblog by 3 (now 4 as I write - Happy Christmas!) days. Take away my dessert and call me a rapscallion. rather than find a theme, I thought I'd actually write a blog of what I'm doing, as it's the birthday of God's eldest tomorrow and the first anniversary of me scribbling (or typing) my nonsense on this website...

So, I've just managed to butcher at least 4 metres of top quality wrapping paper in some bizarre attempt to conceal the identity of my gifts to the missus. It's literally a fire hazard. Charlie has mercifully stayed (as I wrote that he woke up and needed a feed) asleep for most of the night and the half bottle of Wray & Nephew hasn't left me blind or unconscious, which is good. (FFS, cue Charlie screaming). Back. There's something on the telly about Black Adder and the bird that played Grotbags in Emu's World, if I need to explain then this is a waste of typing, has turned up- how off key! All the same, nice to see her without the green hair - takes about 97 years off her.

Facebook seems to be filled with people properly smashed off their faces, sober(ish, who can blame them?)people performing parenting duties or Jehovahs who are basically awake and bored of the Christmas stuff. Amusing all round. I kind of envy my Swedish mates, they do it all on the 24th and beat us by a day. I remember one Christmas Eve (their main day) which was weird as we did all the usual bit's n pieces, then on actual Christmas Day I went bowling then went to a club for 5 hours. Certainly a change of scene! This Christmas Eve I've been over to my dad's house, had a mini Christmas with michelin star quality roast and met up with my aunt, uncle, step gran & grandad and gran who met Charlie for the first time whilst returning the most treasured possession of my childhood that I thought I'd lost about 17 years ago. Smashing.

I had Top of The Pops 2 on earlier, proper helped me get into my Yuletide groove. There's nothing quite like Slade, Wizard or, my favourite, The Pogues to actually make you think of snow covered streets and Christmas cheer. It's a little bit different this year, with the little one, all the Christmas magic has been restored to its innocent brilliance - even if he only understands the lights and silvery glittering of the things on that big green object that appeared where the clothes horse used to stand. Let the bells ring out for Christmaaaaaas! Maybe even louder than the epically smashed locals from the pub down the road signing "We wush yoooou a marry Chrusssmus, we wush yoooou a marry Chrussssmus..."

What awaits the rest of this wonderful Christmas Day eh? Well we've got a busy schedule, me the lady and the little man. Firstly we're off to her mum's gaff for a champagne breakfast, then the small matter of a drive to my mum's for the actual main dinner event. Remaining fingers crossed the little man behaves and teething takes a back teet so we can all enjoy the day. Wish us luck!

Anyway, one thing I haven't done yet is give you a full written version of the infamous "Fingers Story". Not actually as filthy as the name suggests and if you know me in person you'll probably know it already. Either way! Tomorrow will be the day I put it into type and in the meantime I'd graciously ask that you share the FB page amongst your mates so I can become a little more famous. Much love.


Monday, 5 December 2011

A Letter of Complaint...

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to lodge a formal letter of complaint, the treatment I have received has been nothing short of diabolical and this is the last straw.

Firstly, during my stay at your 'resort' the food has been bland, unimaginative and infuriatingly repetitive. My friends have informed me that they are enjoying far more varied menus where they are staying- which comes as an embarrassment considering I witness the staff stuffing their faces with all manner of cuisine, yet not one bite manages to make its way to me at meal times.

Secondly, the 'entertainment' at your establishment leaves much to be desired. I fully appreciate that you are understaffed, though the chef is quite obviously not capable of performing an additional role as a cabaret act and some further innovation is required if you're to stand any hope of actually keeping me entertained. The film and television selection is awful, I'm bored beyond belief of the same musicals and would thoroughly appreciate something more on my intellectual level.

Finally, and this does irritate me as it makes no sense at all, your chauffeur service is nothing short of a farce. On Thursday, I was taken to a doctors appointment in an open topped vehicle. It's DECEMBER and freezing. Are you completely insane?

Needless to say, I expect an instant improvement or I will be forced to seek alternative accommodation.


Charles (Room 2)

Dear Charlie,

I'm very sorry your stay with us so far hasn't quite met your expectations. Considering you've been alive for 16 weeks, I'm baffled as to what you can compare the family home to- but hope the following provides some insight:

On the subject of food, your fragile digestive system can't handle anything more exotic than Aptamil Comfort milk. You're most welcome to sample some of our king prawn madras but, as we're not sadists at the 'resort', watching your little frame writhe around in spicy agony isn't going to happen. Also, Elijah, the friend you referenced, has 9 months on you and can physically endure the demands of mashed meat and vegetables. You can't. Be patient.

Not entertained? I personally feel Mum's renditions of 'Alice The Camel' and 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm' are excellent considering she did not attend stage school or receive formal theatrical training. Plus, your Mum and I have provided you with an eye watering array of children's television channels, including the daily opportunity to enjoy Mr Tumble and his brigade of freaks, which we actually find soul numbing having to watch again and again and again. I'm slightly perplexed as to why this is an issue as you seem to find the Jumperoo the most entertaining experience in the universe. As a result, this matter is closed.

Your iCandy Cherry cost us an absolute fortune. It's like the Bentley of buggies. Not only is it easy on the eye, it's practical in ways you'll never imagine. On Thursday, you were wrapped in 3 layers of under clothing, a jacket and covered by two fleece blankets then topped by a wooly hat. You had less skin showing than an Imam's wife. The alternative is walking, which your little legs haven't learnt to do- relish the rolling luxury of your carriage.

To conclude- it looks like you're stuck with us for the next 18 years. Also please don't formalise your name, you're 'Charlie' until you're in trouble or a barrister.

Lots of love,

Dad (Proprietor)

Ps. How the hell did you write that letter??

Friday, 2 December 2011

Coggmas Advent Calender: 1st Dec

You got absolutely nothing, we're basically in a recession - get used to it.