Friday, 14 January 2011
Crazy Horses (What A Morning)
I woke up this morning after a savage sleep. Not two hours solid as the bird's cough kept waking me up. As much as it amuses me, when she coughs really badly it sounds like the horses noise in "Crazy Horses" by The Osmonds, it pissed me right off trying to get some kip.
So waking up, after just about getting into a half decent sleep following the skillful placing of a pillow over her face, I angrily put a foot out of bed and stood on a plug. It was fucking agony. If you have ever stepped on the three prongs of a plug you'll know - it butchers the flesh. Reacting to the trauma of the plug incident, I instantly sprung my foot up and air-stubbed my toe on the wall. I'm in excruciating pain, two household booby traps within 18 seconds of getting out of bed, livid. Going into the kitchen, I hungrily manhandled 4 Petits Filous and tried to start maneuvers to get out the door.
I got to the station, running very late and had to sprint for a train. Normally I strategically pick a nice spot that I can read a paper in without getting civilians in my personal space. Not today. I dash into a gap between the door and this bird, fatter than Omlette off Lee Nelson's Well Good Show and with a (hairy) face like the broken dreams of a hundred orphans. The arrangement of this beast's profound gut means I cannot move, just simply stay in the same position, wedged between it and the door - both of us unable to look away from each other's face - for TWELVE stops. We entered a torturous psychological battle. The Juggernaut sneezed and couldn't bring a fist full of sausages to cover her mouth. I'm gritting my teeth to dust as the train gets into my station - thank fuck for that.
Stepping off the train felt like I had just come out of a very small cave with a Kodiak bear. Fresh air, no bacon sweat, lovely. Gratefully skipping up the stairs I got accosted by the ticket inspectors, no probs, I've got my ticket. No I haven't. The miserable bastard is standing there demanding some form of evidence I've paid for my journey and for all of my searching, no ticket means a £25 fine. What a GREAT start to the day.
Posted by F-DAAT! at 00:03