Saturday, 7 May 2011

SNUSRAGE and Slow Walkers...

I have very little snus. Almost none. The impending doom and sorrow is not having a pleasant result on my patience.

Yesterday, on the way back from shopping in town, a group of French tourist teenagers were crawling through Oxford Street station, SLOWLY. Very. Very. SLOWLY. Londoners move fast on the Underground - and so do I. In a knuckle whitening example of how blind they were to people wanting to get by, they occupied an entire corridor to look at a map, posters and just take in oxygen. I couldn't get by. This made me want to scythe these shellsuit wearing rats down with the rustiest, sharpest instrument I could find- although I would have been happy with a wooden spoon. When we collectively arrived at the escalator, my heart filled with joy and celebration that, in 10 seconds, I would be able to barge this group of Gallic pricks down the steel steps and watch their garlic stained skeletons crumple into a pile of satisfying dust. By the grace of God and the frogs' guardian angels, a pair of coppers walked through the mob just as I was preparing my "Iron Shoulder Technique".

Lucky fucking bastards. Along with those who want to dice with death by walking those lightweight, skinny, pixie suitcases that have longer legs than Peter "Freak" Crouch - yet are only travelling from London to Zurich or some other cunty highbrow wanker arena around Europe. It's amazing to consider the physics of how the two bars of their cases' extendible handles could gracefully wrap around their heads. That experiment was close to happening last night.

I am weaning / pining / catting / snarling my way off my beloved snus. Actually, I want to bite you on the FACE. I have been doing snus for 5 years and it packs a dirty punch versus cigarettes. You don't have the odd 5 minute snus. No. You have a snus for an hour. Or at my stage of addiction - almost all day. Now, I have to deal with the fact I have JUST 7 left in the universe. Some bastard in the European Parliament (I'd would cut him in half, fill him with salt & vinegar, then sow him back together with flaming needles) has decided that snus can no longer be sold to ANYONE in the EU.

W H A T. T H E. F U C K.

This person should be drowned in furious hornets. Or thrown into a bag of livid scorpions. You fucking bastard. Snus does profoundly less damage than smoking, it's cheaper and can be enjoyed anywhere. WHY take it away from people?? Brussels. The ultimate meeting place for the biggest wankers in Europe. You've done FUCK ALL for me here - now you take away my only vice (other than occasional binge-drinking ultra rapscallion adventures, you can't stop them, but they need snus too). I categorically guarantee that if an MEP crosses my path before I get my next batch of snus - there will be a kidnapping, torture and a very satisfying variety of katana blade manoeuvres.

Save a life. Bring me snus. I now have 6.

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