Friday, 15 April 2011

CoggBlog's Vagabonds #1

NAME: Neptune.

PAST LIFE: Aqua monarch.

REASON FOR VAGABONDERY: Controversially ousted from his underwater kingdom amid accusations of sexual relations with Ariel, a mermaid minor. Additional allegations including racism towards various members of the ocean public, including a leading civil servant, Sebastian, the Jamaican lobster - led to his demise.

HOBBIES: Catching pigeons for food, keeping his Big Issues dry, trying to contact estranged wife Ursula and furiously bashing one out over Angelina Jolie in his lair under a railway bridge in Shoreditch.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can communicate and fornicate with dolphins and other aquatic life. Breathes under water for 26 seconds. Can eat prawns with the shells on.

It was interesting to meet Neptune last Wednesday afternoon. He pleaded, with tears running down his barnacles, that he wasn't a marine paedophile and that all the charges brought against him were just an elaborate and cunning plan created by his arch enemy, King Triton. Asking him for an explanation, he replied in a rather mysteriously heavy Glaswegian accent: "Ah thoot she wer saxteeeen at tha teeem". Dubious Mr Neptune, dubious. I declined to purchase one of his magazines and let him go about his way. Sadly for Neptune, he drunkenly tripped on the curb in front of me, fell on the floor, smashed his face and pissed himself. What a tragic end for such a regal character.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Fire away...