Sunday, 6 March 2011

An Open Letter To Mr Lately...

Dear Mr Lately,

You have come into my shop, now, 17 times. Your dishevelled appearance and pungent stench of "skunk" is not only distressing to myself, it is off-putting to my customers, even rastafarian Duncan, a patron of many years. I felt it necessary to write to you and officially inform you - you are now BANNED from the shop. It beggars belief that you cannot accept we do not stock, or have ever stocked, the 1992 trance mix "Pulse and Thunder". Naturally, your relentless pursuit of this unknown track aroused concern from my staff and we were forced to investigate your identity, hence this letter.

Are you actually the biggest buffoon in the history of air and food? Did it not cross your mind at any stage of your life, perhaps 1992, to create a copy of this alleged mix, for your own personal use? This strikes me as rather bizarre, Mr Lately. The suspicions of myself and some of the staff members are that you do, in fact, have multiple copies of this imaginary track and are using my shop for some form of cheap self-satisfaction. On that note, if you are seen within 100 metres of my shop we will be forced to call the police. Glenda, my sales assistant you recently assaulted when she laughed at what we now know is your vague and ridiculous name, has acquired a taser and she is most willing to use it - a taste of your own pulse and thunder if you will.

Additionally, it is shameful exploitation to send a girl of 14 on your pathetic marketing errands. We gathered she was your daughter by her equally dishevelled appearance and, rastafarian Duncan explained, her consistently red eyes were a sure sign of cannabis abuse. Disgusting, Mr Lately.

Your daughter is also banned.

With no regards at all,

The Proprietor, Haggle Vinyl.

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