Tuesday, 15 February 2011

2012 Olympricks: Welcome To St.Ratford

What an exciting time. I was reading about how much the Olympricks is going to cost - £7.301 BILLION. What the fuck. I know Stratford well and you can't polish a shit, or despite what some people say - roll it in glitter. The one logical end result for the Olympic Park will be to build a KFC Ultrastore. This is the only thing that can possibly be accepted as a "legacy" for the local community. 7,301,000,000 one piece snack boxes. Stratford shopping centre makes a closing down sale at the Chernobyl branch of Netto look like a Camilla Parker-Bowles supermarket sweep in Harrods. There's a fish stall. There's a phoneshop. And, thank God, there's a Poundland. It's heads, shoulders, knees and ghettoes. Knees and ghettoes. Keep your eyes on the teef and a hand on your mouth. It's heads, shoulders, knees and ghettoes. Knees and ghettoes.

I am actually looking forward to a few events. Particularly the ones that showcase our local, homegrown talent. The 400m Handbag Relay (stiff competition from the Romanians), Archery featuring the Crossbow Cannibal on day release and, obvious gold chances, the Shooting- it wouldn't be Stratford without a dumbdumb bullet whistling past your face. Naturally, we can't forget the Paralympricks - although it'll be quite tricky to get races started when all the wheels get nicked within a heartbeat of parking on the start line. Equally challenging might be the Aquatic events, it's hard enough to swim with one limb without having to negotiate a skip full of exhaust pipes, an upside down Ford Cortina and two rusty shopping trollies. Best of luck with that folks.

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